I've been going through a very hard time the last few years. I've been in the darkness, unable to hear the Lord. I've done things I greatly regret. I've hurt other people I love. Let me tell you a little about myself. I was molested by my childhood doctor. I was molested by my girlfriends brother for one year when I was 7yrs old. I was molested and raped by my fathers best friend between the ages of 13-15 yrs old. I felt shame and regret. Like it was my fault. My mother was a alcoholic all my life. She mentally, psychically, and emotionally abused me for years. She put me down all the time. I was never good enough. I grew up feeling this way. I married young at age 18. I continued to fight all these feelings. I was sick all my life. I have many health issues. Felt it was unfair that God gave me so much to bear. I prayed and he did not answer me. I've had 39 surgeries and I am 39. My mother continued to make me feel quilt and unhappiness. It put a hurting on my marriage. I started to push my self away from everyone. My husband, my family and my friends. I pushed away from God. I cut myself. I went into deep depression that was uncontrollable. I almost committed suicide and was sent to the hospital. I continued to dissassociate. I made an even bigger mistake, I cheated on my husband. Which finally left me broken and damaged. Marriage counseling and God saved my marriage, but I continued with problems.
I felt hopeless, undeserving of love. Depressed and sad. Lost. Unhappy all the time. Broken and damaged. Forsaken. Felt underserving of forgiveness. Couldn't forgive myself or others. I had Fear! It ruled over me. I felt heavy chains. Nothing but shame, regret, and quilt. I was walking the same old road for miles and miles. I wasn't going anywhere. I finally decided that I needed change. I needed mercy and grace. I wanted to be different. I was going to counseling already which was helping some with the trauma but not enough. I needed a revelation, a miracle. I finally realized where I was and all I had done wrong. That I was in need of help. I needed healing. I was full of so much anger.
I began praying and reaching out. I asked the Lord to speak to me. To help me because I was stuck. To guide me and come back into my life. To please be with me. I asked him to open my eyes and my heart. To chase down my heart through all of my failures and pride. To make me who I'm meant to be. I prayed and prayed for God to forgive me. To help me make things right with my soul.
I found a counselor who was a pastor for 10yrs and sought out spiritually healing and counseling. Its been a healing journey. One that I am still continueing on. I am telling you all this to help you. So that you don't make the same mistakes. Or so that you know you can make a difference. You can change. You always have the choice and the power to change direction in your life. It can only be your choice. You must want to change. I began reading the bible and praying daily. God's grace will reach you thru the hurting and suffering. He hears your prayers and cries. Believe in the word of God. In the beginning I said I could not hear him. Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still and know that I am the Lord”. Listen and you will here him. Sometimes its just a whisper. I was ready to let him in. To let him see all of my heart and my scars. I couldn't figure out what to do. Proverbs 3:5-6 says “He will direct you”! I thought it was impossible to heal. Luke 18:27 states “All things are possibly thru God”. I felt all alone. I had so much fear. Hebrews 13:5 says “I will never leave you alone” He is always with you. Timothy II 1:7 says “I have not given you fear”. Fear comes from the devil. Who wants you to have doubt. He wants to bring you away from the Lord. I tell you there is a place where all fear has to meet our God. Do not fear! I felt unloved and unworthy. John 3:16 tell you, “You are loved, you are worthy”. I felt I am not able to do this and not able to go on. Corinthians II 9:8 says “You are able”. Also 12:9 states “ His grace is sufficient.” His grace makes it so you can move on. Philippians 4:13 states “ I can do all things thru Christ our Lord, who strengthens me”. I needed strenght. Encouragement. Philippians 4:19 states “God will supply you with all your needs”. I said I do not deserve to be forgiven. I cannot forgive myself. Romans 8:1 states “God forgives you”. Ask for forgiveness with all your heart. John 3:16 – He sent his only begotten son, who died for you to forgive you. God knew you would sin before you were even born. Everyone makes mistakes and sins. There is no one without sin. How great is it that he gave salvation to all that ask for it. I said I'm too tired. I can't rest. Matthew 11:28-30 states “Come onto me, I will give you rest”. You need to let go. Give it all to God. Do not hold back. Give him all your cares. I felt out of control. I gave my life and control to God. He wants you. Your bruises and your scars. Come as you are. Don't forget from where you've come or where your heart has been rescued from. Do not wait for tomorrow. Why wait? Begin today!
I was blinded, but he gave me eyes to see. I was going under, He reached out to me. Have you ever seen the wonder, as your eyes begin to open? My soul, you are not alone. Be courageous. Let your burdens come undone. Lift your eyes up to Jesus. He knows. He is a chain braker. Here I am God, Arms wide open! He accepts me gracefully broken, as I am. He will accept you too! Do not live in the past. Do not let the past control your future. Its pulls you further away from God. They are lessons learned. Sometimes hard lessons, but learned. Breathe it in and out. Live for the future! Don't miss the miracle of your moment! God is good. God is kind. God is love. Corinthians I 13:13 Says, “Abide faith, hope, and love, and the greatest gift is Love”! God will give you hope and love. All you need is faith. Let it all go. Listen to your heart. Follow God, Hear him, Praise him. Get down on your knees and pray. He wants to hear you. Listen to him and obey him. Pray to him like he is your best friend and your loving father. Hold nothing back. He is not afraid of all the things you feel. He hears your broken prayers. There is hope. As for healing, there are different ways of healing. I asked the Lord, why he does not heal me of my sicknesses. Sometimes the answer is not what you think it will be. He may not heal you as he has more in store for you. Learning, molding, and strengthening. Also he doesn't grant all prayers, just like a mom doesn't give her child everything they want. But healing can come in other forms. I prayed differently, asking the Lord to help with my pain and suffering. To heal me as he sought fit. He is healing me, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. He is strengthening me. Given me courage.
By Grace, I have been saved and forgiven. You can be too
I am walking in Faith. I now see the light instead of the darkness. I choose to walk in the light. I am changed. I am living life the way I always wanted to, the Jesus way! I will serve the Lord with all my Heart, my Soul, with all my Strength. Will you?
I pray, Dear heavenly father, I ask that those that who are holding themselves back in unforgiveness feel your compassion and love. That there is nothing to gain by holding themselves there. Help them to forgive themselves and ask for your forgiveness. For those who are hopeless and lost. To find you and your way. For those hurting themselves, to no longer punish themselves. To repent this behavior. For you have already suffered and died for our sins. Do not let hurt control you. Give your control to God. Ask for forgiveness and forgive others. There is no one like you God. Help those who need healing. Give them your grace to move forward and be with you. Give them the strength. Make a positive difference in their future. Thank God for everything. Help us live like we are blessed. Serve the Lord. Teach them how to pray. Help make things well with their souls. We need more of you O'Lord. Open their eyes and hearts. We know you love all of us. We are all important. Lord empty us until all that is left is more of you.
Thank you for being our rock and salvation.
In Jesus name, Amen